I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
