Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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