Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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