life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
