Betty ford says i'm here all night
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
