It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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