i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
