literally had 100 drinks last night.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
