I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
