you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
