Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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