Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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