see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
