Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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