my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
