I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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