im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
