I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
