Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
