Michael Bay diarrhea
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
