dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
