He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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