Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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