The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
