I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
