i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
