I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
