Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
