Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
