I hate all girls vehemently.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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