got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
