Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
