All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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