So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
