Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
