the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
