One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
