I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
