new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
