Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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