tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
