Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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