its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
