He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
