:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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