I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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