Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
