Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
