I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
