i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
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