Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
