Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
