oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
