There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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