I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize