WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
