So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
There's always time for handjobs
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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