Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just gift wrapped bread.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
