I puked a lego.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize