....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
